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This morning I washed my own mouth out with soap. Not on purpose, it was actually due to some over-exuberant rinsing of my sudsy face, but the effect was the same. I thought my mother would probably be pleased about this if she knew how often and vehemently I use the swearing words….

I often start small with a plain old fuck, then proceed on to a fuckfuck or fuckingfuckfuck, and I can go back and forth between those for quite a while. Eventually, however, I will probably get to fuuuuuuuuuck. Often there’s a snarly, gutteral quality to this one which requires a particular kind of exhalation that I find satisfying. So, it can really be a bit more like, fffaaaaaahhhHHHHHCK.

Although shitfuck would seem to be my favorite based on frequency of usage. This is utilized regularly for sudden, surprising, accidental, or painful things. It has a certain “ba-dum-bump” quality that adds a nice punctuation to the unpleasantly unexpected. Plus these sort of incidents usually have two parts that make use of the compound word appropriate. For example: trip on cat <shit-> and spill coffee <-fuck>: or: whomp appendage on something <shit-> and experience blossoming pain <-fuck>. It helps – for me.

When people I don’t know are swearing it makes me ever so slightly afraid of them, like: maybe they’re fucking swearing so goddamn much about whateverthefuck just because they are fucking angry and could get really fucking violent at any moment and just pop off and do some shit. I do try to surpress this feeling because when I’m swearing in the grocery store or flailing my arms around at the bus stop, I’m not really going to pop off and do violence (unless you’re a transit vehicle). I wonder why should I feel so wary of other potty mouthed cuss bags when I am one myself. But monkey brain makes me scared and maybe other monkey brains get fearful too.

….In conclusion, my lesson from today’s inadvertant mouth soaping is that I swear way too fucking much, about way too fucking little, for no fucking purpose and am going to try to quit it.

This morning from my kitchen window I can see the little girls next door frolicking in their backyard. They speak five year old gibberish with occasional outbursts of “Mommy!” or “EEeeeeEE!” They flibbet about in their matching sandals while waving their plastic humdingers. And I think that it is strange that they are so close and have been here for a couple years and with few exceptions – that being our first meeting and introduction when they were two, and more recently their mother’s request that we keep an eye out for lurking weirdos in the alley behind our houses – we don’t really know them or have any cause to interact with them (potential weirdo-rescue aside). I realize that without kids of my own, or being particularly attracted to kids in general (not in the weirdo way, but in the might-or-wish-I-could-have-one-or-four-myself-someday kind of way that people do), I am just ‘that lady’ that lives next door.

This sudden dawning reveals that I may have become a thing that I once feared.

When growing up, on one side of our house was a family with four children. The kids were all older than my sister and I were, except the youngest son who was almost our age. So there was sledding and kickball and swimming (and then later some other things not appropriate to mention in this particular post). But on the other side of our house lived Mr. Morehead. He lived alone. His house was brown. His yard only to be entered as quickly and as briefly as possible to fetch an errant ball or vigorously served badminton birdie.

Ways in which I am the same:

• no children
• intimidating presence
• protruding belly
• kids have anxiously scurried into yard to fetch things that landed there
• consume alcoholic beverages in the back yard
• not trick-or-treated
• greeted by parents, rarely by children
• wear glasses
• have girlfriend with big hair

Ways in which I am different:

• have own hair
• house painted more cheerful color
• have cute cats in window looking out at children
• no one shooting BBs at birdhouse pole
• keep shirt on while in yard
• keep girlfriend at house, do not live alone

I’m hoping that those latter things, particularly having Lolly and my own hair, will be enough to stave off the stigma of my childlessness.

Of course, you know, maybe I’m not the Morehead… but maybe I am something even scarier!?!

Oh no! I’m falling short of my goal of blogging every week this year. Maybe a flurry of useless posts here at the end of the month can catch me up?

Ok, so let’s see what I’ve got to blog about…. Hmmm… Taxes? Did ‘em. Not much to say there. Had my annual physical. That was about as much fun as taxes. Had a bad cold for a few days. Also very taxing.

Yeah. I got nothin’. Check back later.

According to Netflix, “Sarah Palin: You Betcha! is not available, but you might enjoy these titles…

Sarah Palin: The Undefeated,
Fetishes, and
Aileen Wuornos: Selling of a Serial Killer.”

Nice. If I didn’t know these were all Nick Broomfield movies, I’d be startled.

I was going to do some ranting about the stupidity of the things I’ve seen in the news this week – Republican candidates and pundits and assorted talking-heads in particular – but it just makes me too frustrated and angry. So instead I share with you something funny and interesting that I learned this week……

Those hairs that kittens have in their ears are called “furnishings.” How fancy is that!?!

Dear World,

I like to look in your windows. Day time, night time, it doesn’t matter. I want to peep in at you if I can. I like to see you sitting on your sofas, or pacing back and forth in your kitchens. I like to see what you keep in your basements. I like to know what you are watching on your televisionss, what bookshelves your cats prefer to sit on, what kind of art you have on your walls, and just what your decorating decisions have been in general. So, please, for me, please keep your curtains open?

Thank you.

A few years ago I decided that I would watch every movie in the Criterion Collection. Maybe own them all. But then the list of titles got longer and longer and I can hardly keep up with it anymore. There are now over 600 titles and while I’ve been at this now for five years or so, I have only checked off about 40%.

A good portion of this collection is taken up by Kurosawa and Bergman but I’ve only seen a smattering of those so far. There also a lot of samurai movies, and I haven’t ventured very far into those either. I actually find that I have been watching more of the English language films just because it is easier for watching and knitting.

Some of these films have been really difficult to watch but have been quite memorable. For example, Fat Girl I never want to see ever again, although I admire it in a way for how totally fucked up it is. And Clean, Shaven – while I referred to it as “torture” when Lolly asked me what I was watching – has left an appreciative residue; with hind-thought, I see that I was *supposed* to feel confused and horrible while I was watching it! Not exactly the usual entertainment but artistically interesting and challenging in its way.

On the flip side, you may noted that a goodly portion of my favorites each year can be found in the collection. So it’s good that there have been far more gems than horrors. Obviously, or I suppose this collection wouldn’t be so successful.

But this week I was given pause to reconsider my plan. It seems, to me (and I’ve done a very brief, unproductive web search to see if anyone else has complained about this issue), that there is quite a bit of animal death in these movies. So after watching Forbidden Games, I had to mull this over a bit. (Yes, I know the film is about the disruptions of war and the description clearly states that the little children make a cemetery for animals that die. I just didn’t expect to SEE any of the animals dying on camera. Cockroach not included.)

A more modern sensibility is where I’m coming from; that’s just my status quo. I understand that many of the films I’m watching are: a) from quite a while ago -before the Humane Society’s stamp of “No Animals Were Harmed in Making This Motion Picture” was standard, or b) from someplace that is not the USA where we have our familiar animals in our beds, eating from our tables, and watching televised anthropomorphized nature specials with us; or c) both. I feel a bit like an ass that the portrayal of people sick or dying in movies bugs me less than portrayals of animals sick or dying in movies. But because the former is feigned and the latter is sometimes real, my threshold is quite low.

Cinematically speaking, I want to be pushed out of my comfort zone sometimes. But am I turning into a weenie? Critics say that The Rules of the Game is one of the best films ever made, but they sure did kill a lot of rabbits.

I saw a thing about some boycott of JCPenney because they chose Ellen as a spokesperson. “How stupid,” I thought, “Who are these ratfuckers?”

I clicked on over to the OneMillionMoms website (part of the long-time-bug-up-America’s-ass known as the “American Family Association”) to check it out. They had a couple of other “Actions” there besides the call to complain to your local JCPenney stores. One was about the Modern Family episode where Lily was swearing. (Whatever. Losers.) The second was to Macy’s because they had a “Two Grooms” advertisement in their catalogue. For this latter one, there was an easy “Take Action” button that led me to a form letter to send right to Macy’s. So, I took action.

Here’s their letter:

“As a mother and a member of OneMillionMoms.com, I am greatly disappointed in your company’s decision to offend mainstream Americans with your newest mail catalogue. In the hopes of making sales, your company has instead offended many customers in the process. The back cover looks like just a regular ad for your wedding registry service, but there is one major difference with the cake topper of two men instead of the traditional man and woman. The ad also includes a license plate that reads “I do” and hearts scattered everywhere. Just because gay marriage is legal in a few states does not mean this is appropriate marketing. As a conservative customer I will not support it. While your company is a household name, I do not agree with your irresponsible choice of standing behind gay marriage. The homosexual content is highly offensive and not family-friendly advertising. As a consumer, I am asking you to please pull your “two groom” ad immediately and support traditional family values instead of this liberal agenda. My decision to shop in your store depends on it. I look forward to hearing from you regarding my concern.

Here’s mine:

“I am greatly pleased in your company’s decision to offend stupid Americans with your newest mail catalogue. Because gay marriage is legal in a few states it DOES mean this is appropriate marketing. As a customer I WILL support it. While your company is a household name, I agree with your responsible choice of standing behind gay marriage. The content is highly family-friendly advertising. As a consumer, I am asking you to please NOT pull your “two groom” ad immediately and support family values. My decision to shop in your store depends on it. I look forward to hearing from you regarding my concern.”

At least, I think that is what I wrote. I checked the “Send me a copy” option, but I didn’t receive one. Hmmm.

In the meantime I popped off a letter to JCPenney to let them know that I support their decision to employ Ellen and I will be more likely to shop at JCPenney because of it. They promptly sent a nice note back. (“We appreciate your feedback and are equally excited to partner with America’s favorite host.” I wonder if the religious zealot-y types will object to her being called a “America’s favorite host” now. Isn’t America’s favorite “host” the body of Jesus?)

In the meantime I also started getting newsletters from the OMM, about how we shouldn’t fund Planned Parenthood, etc. etc. But, after checking my junk mail spam trap, I still didn’t have anything about my Action! Letter! Hence, I had to go back to the OMM website action page and submit another form letter to Macy’s.

New letter:

“The FAQ of the OneMillionMoms website says: ‘Will my letter be sent exactly as I wrote it? Yes it will. We do not screen or edit any letters written by activists.’ I submitted a valid email address in order to take action on this issue. I believe in traditional values – like marriage. But OneMillionMoms did not a) send me a copy of the email I wrote you, and b) did not contact me via my valid email address to confirm my action. Perhaps they did not like the way that I modified their form letter to you about this issue. I’m trying again: Keep up the good work, Macy’s. Sincerly, An Activist”

Then I unsubscribed from those losers, because honestly, I’m not really a mom.

And instead I went directly over to the American Family Association and subscribed to their AFA ActionAlert mailing list. So when they tell me to write to Home Depot and Disney and the NFL, I will write and say: thank you for continuing to support your homo employees, and thank you for Modern Family, and thank you for giving young ladies like Madonna a chance for some national exposure.

Silly me. I have been wondering why the bloody hell someone doesn’t just make an appeal to the court that denying people gay marriage is a form of sex discrimination and thus unconstitutional. Right? I’m a woman. I wanna marry another woman. You’re not letting me because of the womaniness, but if I was a man you would let me. Simple. Easy. ‘Nuff said and we’re done.

But…

Clearly I am a dope. I keep forgetting that there is no federal constitutional amendment prohibiting discrimation based on sex or gender. That would have been the ERA, the Equal Rights Amendment that states “Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex.” And that has never been passed. So much for my bright idea.