The Morning After

LizzieLou | lolly palooza,nablopomo | Wednesday, November 7th, 2012

0730 – still in bed:
 

What are you doing? Thinking about how late I am.
I don’t think you should have to go to work the day after Election Day. Can’t you call in and tell them you are busy planning our gay wedding and checking Whole Foods to see if the marijuana is in yet? I totally should do that. Will it be there, the marijuana at Whole Foods?
Next to the wine section? Bulk herbs? With the spinach? Maybe you could just go to one of the eighty-five medical marijuana places in our neighborhood and be like, “Hey! Gimme a doobie!”
I think you need a special card just to get into one of those places. Will you be able to get a six pack of doobage at the 7-11?
Do people really still use “doobie?” Clearly. Who’s standing on me?
That’s Meep. I’m sorry Weezie Meep, we still can’t get married. But since gay marriage inevitably will lead to people marrying their pets, it’s now just a matter of time. You’ll have to be patient.
No. But really, Meep, what would it change? It’s just a piece of paper. Are you any less my companion animal because we are not married?
She still couldn’t come see you in the hospital. She doesn’t drive, and can’t ride the bus and it’s too far to walk. Plus, she’s not even allowed to leave the house! See? Silly Weeze.
I don’t want you to go to work today. Me neither.
I’m hungry. I want a hamburger. (((squeeze)))
No, don’t squeeze me. I’m hungry. I have to get up. Me too. I’m late. (((squeeze))) I’m going to wear my party pants today.
   

 

And That’s Why I Love You

LizzieLou | lolly palooza,nablopomo | Sunday, November 27th, 2011

It’s not just the typos that make us laugh. Here are a few gems from the “WTF” category of personal ads…

“I was a rugby player in my day, but I’ve had to take a lengthy break after my drunken stiletto accident.”

“I believe in love because that is what I am…ever since the primordial ooze crawled up on the shoes of California we have all been trying to evolve!”

“I am Professional Lesbian looking for same.”

“I hate all feet. And all math.”

“I love waking up with my head buried in boobs.”

“I want to go down on your soul first.”

“I hate smuts.”

There are some nights that I don’t even want sex. I’d much rather hold her all night long…light kisses on her cheeks…and maybe a little bit of grabbing in the butt-u-lar area.”

“If you are like me, you should definitely get in touch with me. I know I am.”

I See You’re True Colors

LizzieLou | lolly palooza,nablopomo | Saturday, November 26th, 2011

While I am away at my job, Lolly sometimes emails me the funny and strange things she has seen in personal ads. Please enjoy these samples from our collection…

“I want you to make it worth my wild to leave her.”

“I may be a country girl, but don’t worry, I know how to fuck your brians out.”

“My boobies would include, reading, cooking, swimming and singing and some outdoor activities, like walking around beach, going for movies and some few more.”

“I love the romantic feeling of wine in my hair.”

“I carve the touch of a woman.”

“I’m lookin for a dream come true. Are you my fairy tail?”

Lolly Even More Revealed

LizzieLou | crafty,lolly palooza,nablopomo | Friday, November 18th, 2011

… This is how I amuse myself.

Lolly Revealed

LizzieLou | crafty,lolly palooza,nablopomo | Thursday, November 17th, 2011

Who is this Lolly of whom I so frequently speak? Well, she won’t permit me to take any pictures of her, much less share them with the world. So… I made my own simulacrum.


She looks just like this, except for having a whole face with a nose and mouth. And generally she wears more clothes. What are some things that Lolly might do during a typical Thursday? Well, I’m glad you asked. Because I prepared an answer…

After rising from bed and breaking fast, Lolly gets right to work, making the world a more companionable place for roommates and lesbians.

After working for most of the day, Lolly might have time to run out to the grocery store and make us some dinner. Here she is a little windblown from her trip.

After dinner and her chores are done, Lolly may take a relaxing shower. (NSFW!)

At the end of the day, Lolly enjoys snuggling on the sofa with the kitties to read a book or watch some tv.

The End.

Sing the Blues

LizzieLou | lolly palooza,nablopomo,pets | Sunday, November 13th, 2011

Every now and again while Lolly and I are hanging out at home someone will say something that sounds like it should be the name of a blues tune, e. g.:

“Momma Needs Her Crotch Back”

or

“Stop Creepin’ ‘Round My Pants”

Not My Kitty – Part Three

LizzieLou | lolly palooza,nablopomo,neighbors,pets | Tuesday, November 8th, 2011

Ok, so what else do you need to know about this story?

Just after we officially named her Lucille N. Greenwood, because she was Loose-y in the neighborhood (geddit?!), a friend from work suggested we call her Ocho like an eight ball. It stuck, yes because looks a little like an eight ball, but also because she is the eighth cat Lolly and I have had together.

We first brought Ocho upstairs to meet the other cats in the travel crate. Little poked his pokey face right into the grate and she hissed. Gomez sat on top and peeped down at her, and she hissed. Ashley kind of meandered by on tiptoe, not overly curious but was hissed at too. This was very surprising! We thought they would be freaking out, especially Gomez who is afraid of almost everything. Weezie stayed the farthest away, peering around the furniture and making crabby wah-wah noises. After a few meetings with the crate (they didn’t last long), Ocho graduated to the leash. But we didn’t need it. She didn’t run after anyone to beat them up the way Weezie had when she was new. And nobody was chasing her either. Only some creepy stalking, and a bit of curious sniffage, followed by some slapping, and that was about it for the orientals. I tried a few things to help facilitate the integration plan, including trying to get them all to play with Da Bird. Ocho wasn’t at all ready for this yet, and calmly stared at me as I waved the toys around. “You might was well be belly dancing for her.” said Lolly. “Don’t poke my eye out with that thing.”

For a while Ocho mostly came out at night. Mostly.

Around this time another neighbor called, sorry she hadn’t called sooner, to ask if something had happened to “Mittens.” She hadn’t seen “Mittens” around and became concerned that my poster had been to try to notify someone that she had been hurt or run over or something bad. I reassured her that that was not the case. In fact the cat was “pretty much here all the time these days.” She responded that “Mittens” was a nice cat and sweet and all, but “not like she is ever going to just sit on your lap and stuff.” At least, I think that is what she said because Ocho was wrapped around my head, purring loudly in my ear as we snuggled together on the sofa eating bon bons and kissing.

So, the integration is ongoing. I receive regular email updates from Lolly while I am at work. E.g…

Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2011 15:10:04
Subject: 8 is now in window.
We have achieved interest in and hoppage into kitchen window.
Window is a go!
:-*

She likes to sit in the kitchen window and look out at the neighbors and the chihuahuas that she does not belong to. Of course this has been one of Weezie’s favorite places to sit too.

Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2011 14:36:26
Subject: effing hell
I let Weezie out from upstairs.
She re-aggressed Ocho, who was sitting peaceably on the sofa, within 90 seconds.
She does NOT think Ocho should be on the sofa.
I feel bad, I told her no and put her back upstairs, while she just looked at me with her big round peeps.
Help!

If is wasn’t for crabby, jealous, Weezie Meep (who I love most extremely), Ocho would probably be sleeping in the bed with us. She did come up to the bedroom one morning, at about 4:30 a.m., and we awoke to a screaming hissy fit. Being thrown by Weezie, of course. Ocho was cowering behind a curtain. We can’t understand why she’s such a jealous freak. Really they should get along the best, seeing as they have the most in common – being tough girls from the mean streets, knocked up and homeless – but instead of bonding about their past troubles and present fondness for shrimp, Weezie is a bully. However, Ocho could totally kick Weezie’s ass if she wanted to. Weezie is pillowy soft. She is a fuzzy mitten stuffed with pudding. She clearly doesn’t possess this self-knowledge, that in reality she is like mush and Ocho is like a warrior princess (especially now that she has gained a pound or two since moving in. The Princess likes to eat.) So, we’ll be making an “It Gets Better” video for Ocho. Because Weezie is very, very emphatic that Ocho is not her kitty.

A Reader Responds

LizzieLou | lolly palooza,nablopomo,pets | Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011

So, according to Lolly, there is not nearly enough “weeping” in the previous post.

I really have no idea what she’s talking about.

(Yes, ok, maybe I cried that one day at work when that friend of mine who said that she would take the cat was just lying and only said that to cajole me into taking her someplace to see if she had a microchip already. And, fine, maybe I cried a few nights lying in bed talking about the poor little kitty outside all alone in the dark with the raccoons and the perverts and the traffic. Or, perhaps there was a soupçon of tears while talking on the phone to the animal shelter lady, or to the receptionist at the vet office, or in the car on the way to the vet. But I am sure that was probably about it.)

I mean, really. How silly!

All Natural Organically Harvested Craft Fiber

LizzieLou | crafty,lolly palooza | Sunday, November 7th, 2010

Lolly gave my in-laws two birthday gift suggestions this year and fabulously they sent both, one being “The Best Non-Required Reading 2010” and the other being “Itty-Bitty Toys: How to Knit Animals, Dolls, and Other Playthings for Kids.” I was discussing my enthusiasm for some new knitting projects when I had the following idea….

Me: …Maybe I’ll make the Santa Claus figures from the knitting book for your parents for Xmas.

Lolly: Yeah, I think they’d like that. They do ornaments and decorations. Nice ones, special ones.

Me: …Maybe I can do the set, or one for each of them or something. I wonder… I think the pattern is to knit the santa heads and stuff, but maybe if it’s just some stitching I could make them look like them. I could make one with a red hair poof for your mom and one with a grey hair poof and a mustache for your dad…

Lolly: I think they’d like that.

Me: …or I can glue on some of Weezie’s hair for the poof…

Lolly: I don’t think they’d like that.

Me: …and… no? No cat hair? Aww.

Lolly: Well, maybe if you didn’t tell them.

Me: It’s “craft fur.”

Lolly: “All natural craft fur.” Is is organic? is Weezie organic?

Me: Of course she’s organic!

Lolly: I think the brush you use on her is organic. “Organically harvested!”

Me: If I just comb her with my fingers and take the hair that way, that is totally “organically harvested.”

Lolly: “No! It’s not cat hair! It’s all natural, organically harvested, craft fiber!”

the metaphor of the present

LizzieLou | lolly palooza,nablopomo,reading | Monday, November 2nd, 2009

The night before my birthday, Lolly asked me if I wanted a present already. Of course I said yes and stopped in my tracks and closed my eyes and held out my arms expectantly as she went to her office and back to retrieve my gift.

“Ok ready.” she said, but nothing had been placed in my hands.

“Eeehn?” I asked.

“No, you have to open your eyes and pick something:”

acidtabpresents

“I had a little trouble with my printer.”

(( Now you see, in our house, if the thing that you’ve ordered for someone’s birthday has not arrived by the birthday date, then you present your loved one with a photo of the thing. So she can have a Yay! on her birthday. Normally, however, these would not look like tabs of acid. ))

“Um, ok. I pick this one.” I squinted as hard as I could. “It looks familiar, but I can’t tell what it is.”

acidtabpresent

“I’ll give you a hint! It’s illustrated by Marjane Satrapi! And you wanted it!”

“Well I have no idea what it is, but thank you! I LOVE IT!!!”

Eventually, all the presents were revealed!

acidtabs

Any guesses?

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