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As promised, here are some scenarios that were presented to help me to identify problem areas and potential solutions with the recently proposed “The P.rofessional I.mage P.olicy” previously discussed. Feel free to submit your answers below.

Scenario 1. A supervisor from another department encounters “an employee wearing dark blue velour track pants, with a matching jacket slung over her arm and a top with spaghetti straps (leaving her shoulders bare.) The employee’s clothing is clean, wrinkle free, and her appearance otherwise is well-groomed.” What should the supervisor do?

a) Ask the employee if she is a fan of the Sopranos
b) Frisk her for piercings
c) Cover her spaghetti straps with bandages

Scenario 2. An employee has accepted a new position. During his first week, “he wears a strong cologne to work. While the manager had noticed he was wearing cologne during the interview for the position, she had hoped it was not a regular habit. How should the manager approach this situation?”

a) Douse the employee with the nearest fire extinguisher
b) Sexually harass him because if he is wearing that much cologne he must be ‘asking for it’
c) Cover the noses of the coworkers and patrons with bandages

Scenario 3. An “employee has several large, noticeable tattoos on her arm and chest area. The employee was hired with the tattoos and coworkers in the department have never complained, nor have any customers. After the PIP is introduced, several employees begin to complain because now they know that something can be done about it.” The manager realized that due to the employee’s job, she can’t always have the tattoos covered, so that manager chooses not to have a conversation with the employee. “What should the manager do?”

a) Ask her out and fire all the employees who complained
b) Insist that all employees in the department get several large, noticeable tattoos on their arm and chest areas
c) Cover her tattoos with bandages

Scenario 4. An employee comes in to work wearing sunglasses, and she did once before as well. When the “supervisor approaches the employee to let her know that sunglasses are not allowed under the PIP, the employee states that she ‘has to wear them for personal reasons.’” What should the supervisor do?

a) Ask, “What are you, blind?”
b) Turn off the lights and pull the blinds before removing the employee’s sunglasses
c) Cover the employee’s sunglasses with bandages

Scenario 5. An employee sees a coworker from another department on the bus to work Monday morning. “The employee notices that her acquaintance has cut and dyed his hair. It was previously short, but now it is standing up in stiff spikes at the top and is purple at the tips of the spikes. The employee doesn’t think the color looks too bad; the coworker’s hair is fairly dark, so the purple is not as noticeable as it might be with lighter hair. The employee asks her coworker if his supervisor has seen his hair yet. He replies that his supervisor is on vacation, and anyway, he just did his hair this way over the weekend, so the employee is the first person to see it. What should the employee’s response be to her coworker?”

a) Ask, “What? Did you think that what you do on your own time to your own person is exempt from the regulations established at your place of employment?”
b) Try to get the other riders on the bus to laugh at the coworker and shame him into going home to change his appearance
c) Cover her own eyes with bandages

Thank you for your cooperation with the implementation of this policy.

Recently, where I work there has been talk of instituting and/or enforcing the dress code – oops, I mean “The P.rofessional I.mage P.olicy” as it prefers to be called. No one likes being told that they can’t wear their blue jeans, especially people who don’t have to work directly with the public – clients, customers, patients, etc. But this is Seattle, and when you start off the PIP notification by telling your employees that their piercings and tattoos are unacceptable, you’re going to run into some resistance.

The first notification said: NO blue jeans, NO casual tank tops, NO visible tattoos, NO facial or body piercings except for ears, NO open-toe shoes or sandals, NO artificial nails. Those big NOs made for a lot of hubbub and the scheduling of a complaint session that turned into a larger lunch time meeting. It was here that the PIP, which is “not intended to hinder the advancement of diversity,” and accompanying Powerpoint slide handouts were distributed…

… “unacceptable hair colors include extremely garish neon colors, orange, purple, green or other unnatural colors”

I’ve seen some unnatural colors in my time, of hair, but what about skin color? Unnatural hair color has never been more offensive than that weird orange oompah-loompah fake tan or coat-upon-coat of facial spackling that ‘professional ladies’ are supposed to wear.

… “unacceptable hairstyles include hair with color patterns, such as plaid or stripped, and/or extremely spiked hair, and similarly unusual and distracting hairstyles”

Plaid hair? Is that really likely? Be careful that your everyday highlights don’t get counted as stripes. Maybe having your roots showing could be considered a stripe. If anyone ever comments on my hair (which they have) I must now assume that it has distracted them in some way. I know there isn’t much entertainment on the elevator where most of the comments have taken place, but what’s a professional lady to do? Flatten it, cut it, spray it into a shape. Probably I won’t be shaving the words “PIP compliant” into the sides of my blue and pink polka-dotted mullet anytime soon.

… “facial hair must be neatly groomed, clean, and must not interfere in any way with job performance”

Ok, so I do try to be accommodating with this one. I hate it when things are caught in my moustache (or my meep-stache) so I agree that it is important to keep it groomed and clean.

… “earrings and small nose studs are the only acceptable forms of visible pierced jewelry [sic]“

If the jewelry that I have in the other parts of my body isn’t itself pierced, is it okay it show it? And if my other, non-earlobe, non-nostril, piercings are showing, might I already be in violation of one (or more) of the other restrictions listed below – or above, if distracting hair is involved? Yeah, I don’t mean eyebrow here. And why is a pierced eyebrow or a lip more inappropriate than a nose? Is this safety pin considered jewelry? I think that according to this item I could still wear my nose-to-ear-chain set from 1989.

… “wallet chains or any other hard chain apparel, including metal chain belts and clothing ornaments, are not permitted”

Ah, okay, so maybe not, unless I can make the argument that it is ’soft chain apparel.” What would that be anyway? a construction paper chain? I think I will make some chain mail out of construction paper; as long as it is not a mini-chain mail dress and has sleeves I think that will be okay too. I wonder if anyone will make the argument that not allowing the butch dykes to wear their wallet chains “hinders diversity.”

… “inappropriate tattoos, including those which are deemed likely to cause any[one] stress and anxiety, or otherwise disrupt the work environment, must be covered at all times”

Yes, I agree that your Aryan nation tattoos would be stressful and disruptive to the work environment. And the little roses on your ankles – they make me SICK!

… “all staff must wear shoes that are appropriate for their work environment, for example, thongs (flip-flop shoes) and slippers are not allowed”

For this item, I was particularly intrigued by the fact that “thongs” had to be clarified – you know, in case someone thought that the Other Kind of Thong might be referenced here. “I had to stop wearing these thongs to work anyway. There’s just no arch support!” As for the slippers, I think that Crocs are getting dangerously close to slipper-town. I certainly feel like I’m in my slippers when I wear mine.

… “examples of inappropriate dress that is not permitted include, but are not limited to: mini-skirts”

And these days, the youngsters even wear micro-skirts. But those are okay I guess. Sock-it-to-me!

… “denim blue jeans”

“We here in Management, we hate the color blue. Gray, green, black, marroon, all okay. Blue? EVIL!” This one gets the most people the most upset. I guess I am going to have to start wearing denim indigo slacks or my canvas periwinkle pantaloons instead.

… “faded, tie-dyed, bleached, torn, ripped, frayed, patched, un-hemmed clothing”

Unfair to hippies and flashdancers. Need I say more? Thank god it doesn’t say anything about food stains. I would get sent home every day after lunch.

… “shorts or cut-offs”

What about skorts, culottes, and bloomers?

… “halter tops, tank tops, low cut or see-through blouses/shirts, muscle shirts, or shirts that expose the midriff”

Pasties, which are none of the above, are apparently just fine. As long as they are not tie-dyed.

… “tight, sheer or revealing clothing”

Rats. There go the pasties. You can’t have loose pasties.

… “spaghetti strap or strapless shirts or dresses”

But, they told me I would be able to wear this bridesmaid dress for more than just the wedding. What about my old prom dress then; it is only strapless on the one side, you know, like Tarzan’s outfit?

… “beachwear and sportswear (e.g. jogging suits or sweat pants)”

Come on now, people! You really think we need to be told not to wear our bathing suits to work? In that case, I think we might need a better list of examples here too, if we’re really that stupid: “e.g. jogging suits or sweat pants, wet suits, football uniforms, field hockey skirts, plated jousting armor, or parachutes.” There is no mention of a tutu. Do you think my tutu would be considered sportswear?

… “hats, caps, bandanas, plastic hair bags/shower caps (particularly worn within buildings) unless worn because of a disability or for safety or religious reasons”

SHOWER CAPS?

… “special permission my be granted to make exceptions to this policy for special outings or events, such as picnics… however, appearance at these events, nevertheless, must remain appropriate and project a professional image”

As Lolly said, “Boy, that’s an event I’m just dying to attend.”

So, you might be asking yourself what happens if someone does not comply with the PIP. Well, I’m glad you asked, because it could be very serious. “Corrective action may include coaching, sending staff home without pay, or requiring staff to cover up violations with acceptable clothing, bandages, etc.” … No, I did not make that up. It really says bandages. I know I said that my Crocs were kind of on the border of acceptable here, but I think I have a solution. I will cover all the openings in the Crocs with band-aids. Yeah, that’ll look good. What? hole in my shirt? Oopsy, I didn’t notice that when I left the house, but no problem! I have a bandage!

Tomorrow we will review some scenarios to help you identify problem areas and potential solutions with the PIP.