As I’m working at home this morning, and sitting through my mandatory online training in Prevention of Sexual Harassment, I made a side note to let my wife know that all of the following are indeed welcome in this particular office: touching, hugging, jokes, comments, innuendoes, suggestive looks, gestures, and photos.
Lolly sez not to talk about poop. Whether it is a) ranting about people leaving their dog poop in the alleyway or b) divulging my recurring dirty-public-restroom nightmares, she thinks it is not appropriate to go there. Reasons for this include, but are not limited to, a) “That’s gross, Honey. Nobody wants to read about that;” or, b) “That’s not something you want to share with people and besides it’s obviously all about your anal retentiveness and fear of losing of control and there’s nothing new or interesting about that and you’ll just make it worse and give yourself more nightmares.”
So, sorry. I can’t write a blog post that has anything to do with poop. If you feel like you’ve missed out on something, some potentially humorous scatology, you’ll have to take it up with Lolly. Who you probably actually agree with anyway, so then I’m sorry I said anything about it at all. Okay?
Ok.
Geez. I said I was sorry already.
This morning I washed my own mouth out with soap. Not on purpose, it was actually due to some over-exuberant rinsing of my sudsy face, but the effect was the same. I thought my mother would probably be pleased about this if she knew how often and vehemently I use the swearing words….
I often start small with a plain old fuck, then proceed on to a fuckfuck or fuckingfuckfuck, and I can go back and forth between those for quite a while. Eventually, however, I will probably get to fuuuuuuuuuck. Often there’s a snarly, gutteral quality to this one which requires a particular kind of exhalation that I find satisfying. So, it can really be a bit more like, fffaaaaaahhhHHHHHCK.
Although shitfuck would seem to be my favorite based on frequency of usage. This is utilized regularly for sudden, surprising, accidental, or painful things. It has a certain “ba-dum-bump” quality that adds a nice punctuation to the unpleasantly unexpected. Plus these sort of incidents usually have two parts that make use of the compound word appropriate. For example: trip on cat <shit-> and spill coffee <-fuck>: or: whomp appendage on something <shit-> and experience blossoming pain <-fuck>. It helps – for me.
When people I don’t know are swearing it makes me ever so slightly afraid of them, like: maybe they’re fucking swearing so goddamn much about whateverthefuck just because they are fucking angry and could get really fucking violent at any moment and just pop off and do some shit. I do try to surpress this feeling because when I’m swearing in the grocery store or flailing my arms around at the bus stop, I’m not really going to pop off and do violence (unless you’re a transit vehicle). I wonder why should I feel so wary of other potty mouthed cuss bags when I am one myself. But monkey brain makes me scared and maybe other monkey brains get fearful too.
….In conclusion, my lesson from today’s inadvertant mouth soaping is that I swear way too fucking much, about way too fucking little, for no fucking purpose and am going to try to quit it.
